Postgate PG-1
by Major Clanger
Summary: SG-1 gate to a strange planet where they encounter small, pink, knitted creatures who in no way resemble rats, mice, armadillos or aardvarks.


Title: **_Postgate PG-1_**  
Author: Major Clanger  
Email: majclanger@aol.com  
Category: Crossover (Stargate SG-1 meets The Clangers)  
Pairing: None  
Spoilers: Small ones for The Tok'ra and The Tok'ra Part II  
Season: After S3  
Rating: G

Status: Finished  
Summary: SG-1 meet a strange alien race of small, pink, knitted creatures when they gate to a strange planet. The creatures in no way resemble rats, mice, armadillos or aardvarks. You have been warned.

Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and it's characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions and Gekko Productions. These stories are for entertainment purposes only, and no money exchanged hands. Really. Honestly. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations and stories are the property of the author. That is me, and I write under the name of "Major Clanger" for reasons that are unclear, even to me. These stories may not be posted elsewhere without my consent, although if you really want to, you could send me an e-mail and ask. After you get the smelling salts under my nose, I'll probably say "yes".  
Author's notes: Given my "pen name" it was almost inevitable that this would be written. I have to thank my friend, The Prophet, over at h2g2 for suggesting this title during a rather strange conversation we had over there. So, thanks mate!

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Beep-beep-beep... beep-beep-beep... beep-beep-beep... beep-bee... crash! 

"Flaming Norah!" Sam struggled with her alarm clock "shut up shut up shut up you stupid thing!" 05:45 hrs. She remembered her drill sergeant's inevitable early morning shout of "What does the '0' stand for?" and the reply "Oh my God it's early!" – which even bellowed at the top of her lungs along with 39 other recruits had only ever been loud enough after the third repetition. It was a while since she'd had to go in to work so early, but she knew that after a weeks leave there would be a pile of stuff on her desk which should be cleared before General Hammond gave the 'go' later that morning. 

Sam, at this stage in her career an expert multi-tasker, managed to shower, dress, make and consume coffee and toast, and pull on her boots within 10 minutes. She dumped a cup of coffee on the other bedside table, planted a kiss on the top of the head which was the only visible part of the body otherwise still shrouded in sheets and blankets, shook a pyjama-clad leg and shouted "Get up lazybones!" shortly before slamming out of the front door.

The amount of paperwork on her desk was staggering, considering she'd only been gone for one week.  "Sheesh! They have been busy without me." she grabbed some coffee and set to work. Mostly it consisted of skimming through a report, initialling it and passing it on to the next person on the distribution list. Quick work, and Sam was glad she could do it even when not fully awake, paperwork wasn't her favourite passtime. "Why oh why did I go?" She asked herself "I could have had a week here catching up on paperwork and joining in on one of Col. O'Neill's periodic 'Let's Make a Military Man Out of Daniel' efforts." But no, she'd accepted the invitation to her schoolfriend's wedding. A week in England - even a typically wet summer week - was more inviting than looking at a pitifully damp Daniel being trained to within an inch of his life. She'd ask him about it later and make all the right sympathetic noises, but on this one she was with her CO: Daniel must be trained in how to defend himself, and not to trust everyone who smiled at him and offered him food. She just didn't have to watch it. Although, to be fair, she also hoped that they didn't militarize Daniel too much – she liked him fine just the way he was, and preferably without bruises and definately without some Alien Babe draping herself all over him. Nope, rainy England was much more to her liking, it was a while since she'd been there so the invitation had been accepted with alacrity.

Sam had fond memories of England, her father had been stationed there when she was just a small child, and she remembered strange money, strange accents and even stranger television. Only three channels – and BBC 2 could be discounted as strictly for grown-ups! For her, however, it had been all sunny weather, playing in the garden and ice-cream because they had only been there for eight or nine months, and most of them were taken up with the hottest summer within living memory. They had been lucky on the base with a constant water supply, but her father had told her  about the politician who had caused a scandal (and raised eyebrows) by suggesting that people bath with a friend. Most people had a hard time imagining the British bathing together, and many cartoons had appeared in the press of bowler hatted men bathing with modestly covered ladies – presumably their wives. Many areas had had their water cut off during the day, and families had stood patiently, in their famously uncomplaining English way, in queues for supplies from a stand-pipe in the street. The Blitz Spirit was a much talked about phenomenon. Sam, along with the other children at school had revelled in the fun to be had digging bits of soft tarmac out of the playground. Of course, she had been more interested in it's composition and texture than rolling it into balls to be squashed flat by stamping feet, she had treated that activity more like an experiment. A sign of things to come.

Her father was something of an Anglophile and, when he wasn't working, had introduced her to such things as garden parties (urgh, they hadn't been such a hit with the young Sam, involving as they had dresses and being presented to ancient,  wrinkly ladies who smelled of mothballs), cricket (she still couldn't fathom that game, which hadn't really seemed like a sport at all - they even had breaks for 'lunch' and 'tea' for goodness sakes – and at some levels one single game lasted five days!), Marmite (oh, that stuff was surely grounds for charges of child abuse) and, on one memorable occasion, she had seen the Queen being driven in her coach down the Mall. She wished they had stayed there a bit longer, not only for the Silver Jubilee celebrations which had come the next year, but also the explosion of Punk Rock that had arrived at the same time. A daddy's girl at heart, Sam had had a rebellious streak ("Had?" she asked herself with a snort) and would love to have seen her father's face had she come home with a multicoloured hairstyle, ripped jeans and safety pins all over the place. 

Sam's brother had played soccer, but girls were excluded from that in England and Sam had displayed neither desire nor talent for a stationary version of basketball ("Netball! What a silly game.") so she had turned to books and what little TV entertainment there was. Then as now she was fascinated by space, so she had watched the usual: Star Trek, The Tomorrow People, Space 1999 and even one or two programmes made for smaller children...

"Briefing room in 2 minutes!" Colonel O'Neill's bellow interrupted her reverie "Glad to be back, Major?" Sam slurped down the rest of her coffee, consigned the last piece of paper to the out-tray and hurried to the briefing room. She arrived breathless and was surprised to be last there. Daniel looked around smugly and said "Five minutes before a parade, that's the military way, when they say 09:00 hrs they mean 08:55!" he straightened and snapped of a nearly passable salute "Hi Sam!" His military training hadn't been a total waste of time then. She grinned at him and Teal'c who had raised a bemused eyebrow, but remained othewise expressionless.

"Glad you could make it, Major" drawled Jack from his chair "OK people, General Hammond is at the dentist this morning, but we still have a go for our little excursion to P3... whatever it was. Let's get this show on the road." He shooed Daniel and Teal'c out of the room and held the door open for Sam "Paperwork up to date is it?" Five minutes later they were all stood at the foot of the ramp while the Stargate did it's whooshing thing. Sam never tired of watching it, and hoped she never would. She could see from Daniel's face that he felt the same, and even battle-hardened Colonel O'Neill always watched with interest. Teal'c's face was impassive, she would have been shocked if he'd shown the slightest reaction. They walked up the ramp and stepped through the event horizon and, after what seemed simultaneously like an eternity and a nanosecond, stepped out onto...

"Well, no trees, that's a good start." Jack O'Neill stared around at the barren landscape. "Plenty of rocks though." he sighed "Still, not really much sign of civilisation, so we can be in and out and home in time for the game." their CO sounded much happier at that prospect. SG-1 were a well rehearsed team. They fanned out to carry out their duties. Daniel wandered off, with Teal'c keeping a discreet eye on him, to look for signs of civilisation. Sam started to collect rock samples and Colonel Jack O'Neill stood around looking happy, but in reality kept a beady eye on his people. Especially his 2IC, he'd missed her. Beasting Daniel around some military training wasn't half as much fun with only Teal'c for back-up and he decided that next time he'd make it compulsory for her too. Still, he had to admit, she'd been working too hard and had been looking tired and worn, the leave had done her good. He looked around again. Strange planet this P3... whatever. Completely barren, it looked a lot like Earth's moon, although the gravity was OK, and the atmosphere was breathable. 

Sam was digging up rock samples, and getting more and more puzzled. She couldn't imagine why the General had sent them to this 'rock' in space. That's how she thought of it 'rock' in inverted commas, because what she was digging up wasn't rock. Nope. It was... Sam peered into the small hole she had dug yet again... yup, it appeared to be papier maché. Sam shook her head and rubbed her eyes. She was obviously still suffering from a bit of jet-lag. She stood up, stretched and looked around. Still a 'rock' in space. No natives. No sign of the Goa'uld – thank goodness. Just nothing. The surface of the 'rock'-planet was whiteish. Rough with variously sized craters and what looked like a cave or two, some craters had covers on them that appeared to be... saucepan lids? Sam rubbed her eyes again and directed her attention back to her samples. 

The hole she had dug was about one foot in diameter, but not very deep. At first the digging had been easy and then she had come up against something slightly harder. Sam stamped her boot into the hole and was surprised to hear a hollow thud. She looked at the hole again, the edges were all rough and flaky, but the bottom was smooth and flat. Rubbing her fingers along the small exposed piece she felt a small stabbing pain and withdrew her hand quickly. Sam stood up sucking her finger and waved over at the Colonel. 

"Sir, I think you should take a look at this!" she shouted and took a look at her injury. A splinter? She had a splinter from a 'rock'?

Jack ambled over, and looked into the hole. "You want help with that?" he asked Sam, who was attempting to squeeze the fragment from her injured hand.

"Nope – got it." They both looked at the miniscule piece of wood ("Wood? What's that all about?" she thought) before Sam put it in a small glass sample bottle. She looked questioningly at her commanding officer.

"So, what's the problem, Major?"

"Um, Colonel, have you noticed anything strange about the 'rocks' here?"

"Nope."

"Look in the hole."

They both stared down. Jack knelt down and touched the ragged edge of the hole. He leaned further down and looked closely.

"Papier maché – I'd know it anywhere." he said straightening up "But if there's no naquadah then we might as well pack up and go home." He turned to answer a shouted enquiry from Daniel "OK, coming."

Sam just stared at him open mouthed.

"Don't catch flies, Major. When you've packed up come over and see what's got Daniel all excited." He turned and walked over to join Daniel and Teal'c. Sam couldn't quite see what they were up to because they were behind one of the larger craters which had a 'saucepan lid' – no longer covering the opening – so she packed her gear and headed off in their direction.

She arrived just in time to see something, she didn't quite see what, disappear into the hole, swiftly followed by Teal'c and the Colonel. Daniel was about to follow when, almost as an afterthought, he held something out to her. 

"Oh, I think Jack forgot to mention the new SOP."

("New SOP" Sam thought "Jack wouldn't forget to mention a new SOP, and since when was Daniel so au fait with Standard Operating Procedures?")

"Oh, OK. What is it then?" She looked down at the small yellow fish in his hand "What's that for?"

"Um, while you were on leave Jacob gave a lift to some Intergalactic Hitch Hikers, they gave him some of these by way of payment." Seeing Sam's puzzled expression he continued "Surely you've heard of a Babel fish?"

Sam stared at him. OK, first the Colonel and now Daniel. She fully expected Teal'c to pop his head out of the hole and invite her to join him in some Morris dancing.

"Um, Daniel, you're surely not suggesting that I put that thing in my ear?" She nervously fingered her MP-5. It felt strange, Sam didn't want to, but she looked down. She looked up at Daniel again. He was holding out the Babel fish with an impatient look on his face. "Um, Daniel, my weapon..."

He interrupted her rudely, "Look, Sam, just get it in your ear and come into the cave. We've been invited to stay for dinner." Sam waved her 'MP-5' at him "Oh, have you just realised? Weapons turn to music trees here. Just plant it next to those others over there. We're going to learn about those later, apparently they can power all sorts of things."

With a sigh Sam stuck the tree next to the other music trees and silently held her hand out to Daniel. A second later, complete with Babel fish in her ear, she followed him into the cave and wasn't surprised at all at what she saw. ("Flaming Norah!" she thought "It's real!").

Colonel O'Neill bounded towards her, grabbed her hand and dragged her towards a.... well it could only be described as a small, pink, knitted, sort-of-anteater-thing. With an orange bow in it's hair. Wearing a metallic looking waistcoat. "Major, let me introduce you to..."

"I know," Sam blurted out incredulously "Tiny Clanger!"

"How the...." mumbled Jack, he quickly recovered "Tiny Clanger, this is Major Carter. I think you'll have a lot to talk about." He turned to Sam again "Tiny Clanger is an engineer, she's been working on some interesting stuff just lately that you might be interested in. Especially….." they were interrupted by a slightly larger version of Tiny Clanger, with no bow.

"Hi" said Sam "You must be Small Clanger?" She had hardly noticed that the usual sounds that the Clangers made were automatically being translated by the Babel fish in her ear. Which was just as well, they would be really hard to understand otherwise.

"Mother Clanger has sent me to ask if Sam Carter and Daniel Jackson would like to help me collect the soup."

"OK" said Sam "Come on Daniel, you'll like this bit."

Daniel didn't look so sure when Small Clanger produced a huge cauldron and something that looked rather like the sort of wooden cart (usually containing coloured bricks) pulled around by very small children. He looked at Sam questioningly, but she was already helping Small Clanger pull the cart down into the dark recesses of the cave.

A short time later they returned, Daniel looked a bit pale, but Sam's eyes were shining, the Soup Dragon was – apart from Tiny Clanger of course – her favourite character. Teal'c raised his ever mobile eyebrow even higher and boomed across to Daniel "So, you have met the Soup Dragon DanielJackson. I had hoped to have that privilege. You must tell me all about her."

Jack O'Neill, scourge of bad guys across the universe was helping Mother Clanger to set the table. He thought that using the American flag as a tablecloth was a neat touch, he'd have to remember that next July. Soon they were all spooning Green Soup into themselves and chatting with the Clangers as if they had known them all their lives, which Sam had of course. Sam and Tiny Clanger were discussing the possibility of adapting her Musical Tree technology to replace naquadah as a fuel source. The only problem that Sam could see was that of noise – there was no way they would be able to sneak up on any System Lord with that tinkly music going on in the background. Tiny Clanger was chatting to Sam, but looking shyly in Daniel's direction when she thought nobody was looking. Sam, however, had noticed. "Holy Hannah!" she thought "We're going to have to be careful here." 

Daniel, once again, was proving irresistable to the female aliens. Mother Clanger had given him an extra large helping of Green Soup, and Grandma Clanger was patting his knee and telling him about the olden days when, apparently, everything was still only in black and white.

Jack was trying to explain ice hockey to Small Clanger but, frankly, it was an uphill struggle. Teal'c was smiling enigmatically, he was still secretly hoping for an encounter with the fabled Soup Dragon. They had finished the soup and were just waiting for dessert – Sam wasn't sure she was going to enjoy something called Blue String Pudding, but she was going to give it her best shot anyway – when there was a disturbance at the mouth of the cave. Small Clanger dodged behind Jack, Grandma tightened her grip on Daniel's knee, Tiny stood up quickly and Mother Clanger tightened her grip on her wooden spoon. The atmosphere went instantly from one of a friendly "getting to know you" character to one of….. could that be fear?

There, filling the mouth of the cave was the largest Clanger they had ever seen. Which is not to say that they had seen hundreds, but he was a good head taller than Mother – which brought him up to Jack's chest height.

"Major!" said Mother Clanger sternly. Sam snapped round, it took her several seconds to realise that Mother was talking to Major Clanger, for it was he at the entrance of the cave. "I thought you had agreed to stay away from us when we have visitors."

Major Clanger said nothing, but inclined his head slightly, turned on his heel and walked away.

"Teal'c!" shouted Jack, running towards the Jaffa who was sitting open mouthed with a blank expression. Teal'c roused himself, he was mumbling. Jack bent closer to catch what he was saying…

Teal'c shook his head and rubbed his eyes. "I had not expected to meet Major Clanger too!" He smiled broadly, and shook his head again.

Mother Clanger gave everyone some Blue String Pudding and asked them to sit down. "Don't worry about the Major," she told them "he's not feeling himself at the moment, so we agreed that it was best if he stayed away from guests, until we could..."

"Please don't worry on our account." mumbled Daniel through a mouthful of something that tasted, well not like chicken, that was for sure. What was that taste? String certainly, but something else too. He made a mental note to ask what the blue bits were, then rapidly deleted it. He didn't really want to know. Jack, not so diplomatic took one small mouthfull, and passed his bowl under the table to Small Clanger who gobbled it up greedily. He couldn't believe his luck, double portions of his favourite food, these strangers could come again anytime!

When the meal was finished and the washing up done, Tiny Clanger offered to show SG-1 around. She took them down past where the spaghetti grew ("For the blue string pudding," explained "you didn't really think it was string did you?") and into the caves where the Soup Dragon lived. Teal'c stared around him in awe, and nearly jumped out of his skin when the Soup Dragon herself came out of the cave to remonstrate with Small Clanger for dropping spaghetti into her soup. She greeted Sam as an old friend, nodded to Daniel and Jack and then turned to Teal'c and gave him a low bow.

"It is a pleasure to make the acquaintance of one who has seen the Goa'uld for what they really are!" she said, and disappeared back into her cave muttering about not trusting anything or anyone who didn't like Green Soup.

"Interesting," said Jack "we could use the Soup test on returning SG teams... I'll discuss it with General Hammond and have it incorporated into SOPs."

"More flaming SOPs" grumbled Sam under her breath, "what with that and the Babel fish..."

"What was that, Major?" enquired Jack

"Nothing, nothing. Just thinking aloud." Came the reply.

"Come this way please." Tiny Clanger was heading back up to the surface of the planet. She pushed aside the Saucepan Lid covering the entrance and waited until everyone had joined her. She was gathering some notes from the musical trees when she suddenly darted behind a rock and began gesticulating wildly at whatever was behind it. SG-1 advanced slowly, ready to give her some help if needed, but Small Clanger waved them back.

"It's probably the pesky Froglets." He explained "They've been getting really naughty just recently, and hiding things."

Tiny Clanger emerged from behind the crater, followed at a short distance by 3.... Sam rubbed her eyes again – this was really getting over the top – 3 red frog-like things. They bobbed up and down in greeting, but all Sam could hear was a rasping, ratchet-like noise. She tapped her ear, but still she couldn't understand them.

"Daniel," she whispered "my Babel fish isn't translating, have you got a spare?"

"No, it's OK" he answered "they just ratchet. Tiny Clanger is the only one who understands them."

"And me. I understand them." Came a man's voice from... well, from all around them.

"Who's that?" Sam was wide eyed now, and ready to panic

"Oh," said Teal'c "Don't worry MajorCarter. Surely you hadn't forgotten about the narrator? You are hearing the voice of the Postgate."

"That's Mr. Postgate to you" came The Voice "I am their creator."

"Peachy," said Jack "you haven't got a snake in your head, by any chance?"

"Of course not," said The Voice "I do not pretend to be a God. Nor do I wear curious eye make-up."

"Just checking," mumbled Jack "you are British after all. There's no accounting for you lot."

"Now look here...." but the voice was interrupted by some twinkly music coming from somewhere above their heads.

"Daniel, is that twinkly music I can hear?" whispered Sam 

"Apparently," he replied "unless I can think of another word for it, give me a minute."

The music was getting louder... or was it getting nearer? The Clangers didn't seem to be bothered by it, so SG-1 relaxed and looked up. Sam wished she hadn't. Coming towards them was a small metal boat, with a revolving fan sticking out of the middle, containing Major Clanger and... she sighed, of course, "I was wondering when she would show up... I hope the Babel fish can speak Iron Chicken Language" she thought.

The boat landed with a quiet thud, and the Iron Chicken waddled over. In short, staccato sentences, she welcomed them and, like the Soup Dragon before her, gave Teal'c a low bow. Then she turned her back on him, and with a 'plop' a small metal egg landed at his feet. Teal'c inclined his head in thanks, and picked up the egg. Daniel and Jack shuffled towards him for a closer look. They passed it around, shook and poked at it. It did nothing.

Major Clanger climbed on to a small boulder and looked at each of SG-1 in turn. They looked back. He spread his arms wide and they gasped as his eyes glowed yellow... "Welcome to the Clanger homeworld!" he said in a deep voice. This voice they had heard before: a Goa'uld.

Jack, Sam, Teal'c and Daniel were immediately alert as he went on:

"Behold, I am your God!"  he boomed, Tiny and Small Clanger prostrated themselves, shaking, before him. They were making little hiccoughing noises. Sam crept closer...

"Bow down before me, humans!" Major Clanger was well into his stride now. Jack looked over at Teal'c and nodded but before they could charge him ...

"STOP!" yelled Selmac who was climbing out of the boat "Don't touch him, he's a Tok'ra!"

Sam, who had been whispering with Tiny and Small Clanger was by now doubled over and laughing fit to burst with the pair of them. The Iron Chicken was hopping from foot to foot, and Grandma and Mother Clanger, who had emerged unnoticed from the cave below, were hanging on to Daniel's legs for support, shaking with laughter.

"Oh he's good," said Jack "care to tell us what all that 'God' stuff was about?"

"Well," replied Jacob, walking over towards the small group "as you've probably guessed, the Clangers here – more specifically Tiny and Major Clanger – built the system of Stargates."

"Noooo, we didn't!" chorused SG-1

"Anyway," continued Jacob "they were most displeased that the Goa'uld have been whizzing around enslaving humans, and pretending to be gods. Major Clanger became was severely wounded in a battle with the evil System Lord Bag'puss..."

"Never heard of him," said Daniel "what culture was his identity stolen from?"

"I have," Sam interjected "Bagpuss isn't evil, is he?"

"If you'll let me continue!" said Jacob impatiently "Major Clanger was wounded in a battle with System Lord Bag'puss, and contacted us for a symbiote. A short time later he was joined with Ol'iver and agreed to pretend to be a powerful System Lord, and help us rid the universe of the Goa'uld. He's been practicing, as you just saw."

"Sorry about that," said a sheepish Major Clanger "actually, I don't think I'm cut out for the God stuff, maybe Mother Clanger should take over."

"And who'd cook the Blue String Pudding, and pick up after you all? That's what I'd like to know." An indignant Mother Clanger snapped. "Anyway, SG-1 here seem to be doing a good job without our help. Still, if he wants to stay with the Tok'ra I have nothing against it."

"Thank you, ma'am. And now, if it's OK with everyone, I'd like to get my team back so we can watch the hockey game at my place." Said Jack "You're all welcome to come along too." He added as an afterthought.

"What about me?" said The Voice. "I bet you've all forgotten all about me!"

They jumped in guilty surprise, having totally forgotten about Mr. Postgate.

"Nobody is going anywhere tonight," said Mother Clanger "apart from SG-1. They have to go home," she looked pointedly at Sam, "some of them have a lot of paperwork to catch up on."

Everyone gathered by the DHD to say their goodbyes. With Jack, Daniel and Teal'c already on the ramp, Sam ran back and hugged each Clanger in turn. Tiny Clanger gave her a note off one of the musical trees, and invited her back to learn more about their amazing propulsive powers. Jacob waved as he took off once again in the flying boat with the Iron Chicken and Major Clanger. Sam shook her head, smiling, and set off up the ramp towards the SGC, tucking the musical note carefully in her pocket as she stepped through the Stargate....

-oOo- -oOo- -oOo- -oOo- -oOo- -oOo- -oOo- -oOo- -oOo- -oOo- -oOo- -oOo-

Postgate... I mean, Post Script:

Beep-beep-beep... beep-beep-beep... beep-beep-beep... beep-bee... crash! 

"Flaming Norah!" Sam struggled with her alarm clock "shut up shut up shut up you stupid thing!" 05:45 hrs. She remembered her drill sergeant's inevitable early morning shout of "What does the ‚0' stand for?" and the reply "Oh my God it's early!" – which even bellowed at the top of her lungs along with 39 other recruits had only ever been loud enough after the third repetition.... Sam sat up suddenly wide awake. "Oh no, not another of those Furit ... no, Time Loop thingys." she groaned. She reached over and nudged the quietly snoring form beside her. "Wake up," she hissed urgently "time to go!"

"Arrgghh, gerroff me!" came the grumble in return, and a hand batted her away. A hand that was holding something hard and egg shaped...

"What the..." Sam grabbed it and tried to open it, but it appeared to be stuck fast. She took it into the kitchen, not noticing that the owner of the egg had followed her, she was so intent on opening it. She finally prised it open with the point of a knife.

"Oh no, twinkly music!"… 

"Strange! I had imagined the Ancients to be more formidable a race!" said her companion, as they looked at the miniature Stargate with the little pink Clangers revolving around it... Sam looked closer, yes, the big one had glowing yellow eyes and the Tiny one had an orange bow on its head. She smiled and closed it up again.

~ the end ~


End file.
